The Echoes of Early Financial Lessons
I still remember the phrases I heard as a kid that shaped my relationship with money. Phrases like “you need to make wise decisions with money” echo in my mind every time I face financial decisions. These words often bring back memories of my dad taking candy from my hands at the store and putting it back on the shelf. Those moments, though well-intentioned, planted early seeds of financial guilt and responsibility that would follow me into adulthood.
When I got my first job, I ironically accumulated $10,000 in debt within six months, despite studying finance. The inner voice that followed me was harsh, echoing feelings of financial irresponsibility. This marked the beginning of my journey to unpack my relationship with money, where I learned about concepts like financial shame, guilt, and trauma.
Understanding Financial Shame
Financial shame is the internalized belief that one is “bad with money” or that financial mistakes reflect personal failure. For many, this begins in childhood. Well-meaning parents trying to teach financial lessons can unintentionally plant seeds of guilt or inadequacy. Research from the University of Michigan shows that children as young as 5 develop emotional reactions to spending and saving, which can shape their financial behaviors as adults.
Parents often use phrases they think are harmless, but these words can have a lasting impact. Five common phrases, in particular, can unintentionally harm a child’s financial mindset. Understanding these phrases and their effects is crucial for fostering healthier financial relationships in the next generation.
1. “Do You Have Any Idea How Hard I Had To Work To Buy That?”
This phrase may seem like a simple call for gratitude, but it can weigh heavily on a child. Kids are not developmentally equipped to understand the complexities of financial stress, so they may feel guilty for enjoying something their parents worked hard to provide. This guilt can deepen when children feel responsible for their parents’ financial well-being, even though it’s not their burden to carry.
Therapist and financial coach Topsie VandenBosch explains that this kind of statement can make children feel as though they need to shoulder financial stress that isn’t theirs to carry. Instead of fostering gratitude, it can create a sense of shame around enjoying what they’ve been given.
To reframe this, parents can focus on problem-solving rather than guilt. For example, if a child breaks a toy, a parent could say, “It’s OK that it broke, but it might take some time before we can get another one. Let’s figure out a plan together.” This approach shifts the focus from guilt to collaboration and understanding.
2. “Why Can’t You Be More Like (Insert Friend or Sibling)? They Don’t Have Such Expensive Hobbies or Tastes.”
Comparisons are common in parenting, often used to motivate or speed up compliance. However, tying comparisons to money can be harmful. Comparisons imply that a child is “less than” others, creating resentment and a tendency to measure their worth against others.
Jessica and Brandon Norwood from “The Sugar Daddy Podcast” explain that comparison rarely motivates children in the way parents hope. Instead, it fosters resentment and a lifelong habit of measuring their behavior and worth against others.
To reframe this, parents should focus on understanding their child’s unique interests. For example, they could say, “I see you love this hobby. Let’s talk about why it’s important to you and how we can make it work together.” This encourages open communication and makes the child feel valued for their individuality.
3. “Stay in a Child’s Place.”
This phrase is often used to enforce boundaries and keep children out of adult conversations, especially about money. While the intent may be to shield them, it often backfires by making finances seem off-limits or something they aren’t capable of understanding.
Raquel Curtis, a financial educator known as “The Boujee Banker,” notes that this phrase can shut kids out of important money conversations, making them feel that finances are “off-limits” for them. Without involvement in these discussions, children miss out on learning the basics of financial literacy, leading to struggles later in life.
To reframe this, parents can introduce their child to financial discussions through age-appropriate conversations. For example, they could set up a regular “money date” to discuss small lessons, like saving or budgeting. When a moment arises where boundaries are needed, they could say, “That’s a great question! Let’s talk about it during our money date.” This keeps the conversation open while respecting the moment’s context.
4. “Don’t Go Asking For More. Be Grateful for What You Have.”
Gratitude is an important value, but when used to shut down a child’s wants or needs, it can send the wrong message. It implies that wanting more is inherently wrong, leading to a scarcity mindset. This mindset can make children feel guilty for pursuing ambitions or celebrating their success.
When gratitude is tied to suppressing desires, children struggle to differentiate between appreciating what they have and feeling undeserving of wanting more. This inner conflict can follow them into adulthood, affecting how they advocate for themselves or take risks.
To reframe this, parents can say, “We have so much to be grateful for, and it’s OK to want new things, too. Let’s talk about why and how we can make it happen.” This approach reinforces gratitude while empowering children to set and achieve goals.
5. “We Can’t Afford It. We’re Not Those People.”
This phrase, often said in frustration, can have lasting effects. “We’re not those people” creates a sense of “otherness” and implies that wealth—or even striving for it—isn’t for your family. This can limit a child’s perception of what’s possible for their future and instill feelings of inadequacy.
Additionally, saying “We can’t afford it” without further explanation can create unnecessary anxiety about the family’s financial situation, even if the family isn’t struggling.
To reframe this, parents can shift to a more intentional and empowering narrative. For example, they could say, “We’re choosing not to spend money on that right now because we’re prioritizing something else.” This teaches kids about priorities rather than limitations, giving them a healthier perspective on budgeting.
The Path to a Healthier Financial Future
The goal is not to eliminate all financial discussions but to approach them in a way that fosters understanding, collaboration, and empowerment. By reframing these phrases, parents can help their children develop a healthier relationship with money—one rooted in gratitude, problem-solving, and confidence.
